This is a writing blog, right?
I find myself worrying a lot these days about my lack of wordiness, my failure to write, my continued wishy-washiness about my writerly self. Fact is, even though I’ve finally proclaimed myself “a writer” again, once and for all…
I’m. Not. Writing.
So I ask myself, “Why?” And the answers come at me from all directions in one big, muddled, swirling mess of excuses that make no sense at all when taken at random. So, I had this great idea, why not WRITE DOWN the reasons why I’m not WRITING and see if anything can be done about it?
Um, that would involve sitting at the keyboard and turning the muddled mess into some sort of thoughtful, orderly list, with which I’d be forced to reckon…. Okay, okay, I get it.
Why I’m Not Writing
1. Writing takes uninterrupted time, peace and quiet, solitude, concentration, all of which I am sorely lacking these days.
2. Despite the fact that I’m surrounded by material in my daily life, I have absolutely no worthwhile ideas. None. There is not an inkling in my head of a viable plot or storyline. True, I could revisit my files and develop some already-written material, but I do wonder if my idea well has run dry for good this time.
3. I want it ALL; a happy family, a clean house, a balanced budget, a well-stocked pantry, time to quilt, time to read books, time to take care of myself, a healthy meal on the table every night at five o’clock – and I nice little writing career on the side. It’s absurd, really, what I think I should be able to accomplish in a day. (Martha Stewart does it, why can't I?)
4. I don’t know what to write. I want to write something with purpose. Something important in some way. Something publishable. I avoid writing “just for fun,” playing with prompts, even brainstorming, because it feels like a waste of time (which I don’t have). This goes completely against the theory of just putting the pen to paper in order to grow as a writer. I need to convince myself that it’s okay – and even beneficial – to just write something every day, knowing the good stuff will come in time.
5. Fear of success. I’ve struggled with this one a lot in the past, though obviously it falls way down here at the bottom of the list right now. Since I’m not writing, there’s no need to worry about success, right? Maybe that’s the point.
All of this makes me realize a few things. First of all, I’ve been neglectful of my writing
with good reason! I do have a lot on my plate right now. Since I started babysitting for my daughter in December, there has been no semblance of a routine in my life. My days are as flexible as my daughter's work schedule (which is all over the place!), yet this is just another life adjustment among many that will arise. And how many grandmas get to spend this much time with their precious grandbabies? In that way, I am blessed. And I want to wallow in that blessing while it lasts!
Secondly, there is no need to focus on money right now. True, the economy is downright scary today, but we are surviving. I know from experience that pressuring myself to earn money has a devastating effect on my creativity and desire to write. If that is the only purpose for my writing, I’d be better off looking for a part-time job doing work that I care nothing about.
Finally, I realize what I need to do. Since there is virtually no time of the day anymore when I can predictably write for an uninterrupted hour, I need to create that time for myself. So tonight, I will set my alarm for 6:00, rather than 7:00 and see if it’s possible for me to have a coherent thought at that hour. Even an incoherent thought would be fine, if I can follow through with the act of just putting
something down on paper. Hopefully I’ll adjust, and good things will come of it in time.
It’s definitely worth a try.
